Forgiveness - For Your Mental & Spiritual Health

(Morgan and I back in the 90's. Yes those are sparkly, butterfly hair clips. Remember those?)

By, Vanessa
OurHealth Staff Writer

Way back in the late 90's Morgan and I were struggling, ambitious, pseudo - radical college students living in LA. She was a USC Trojan and I was a UCLA Bruin. We met in the marbled trenches of a fancy investment bank where we both worked after school - hustling for free dinners, tuition reimbursement and profit share.

We became fast friends and bonded over our many shared interest. One of the things that we did during this time was to read together Iyanla Vanzant's book - One Day My Soul Just Opened Up: 40 Days and Nights Toward Spiritual Strength and Personal Growth.

Each day we read our chapter and diligently wrote our thoughts and practiced our affirmations. We were super hyped and probably a little too gong - ho. I really loved this book. Iyanla's writing touched me and the topics and exercises were really helping me to see life and it's experiences in a new light. I was flying through the book until I got to... Day 21 - FORGIVENESS.

Ummm Tanya (cause I do not call her Morgan), I'm going to need an extra day on this one. Yeah. I had a really hard time processing the idea of forgiveness as laid out in the book. Intellectually I really felt like it was powerful stuff, but from an emotional standpoint - as a 20 year old woman who'd already experienced her fair share of hurt - forgiveness was not coming easy.

Over the years I have revisited that chapter on forgiveness many times. Each time I read there is a new revelation for me. I am still learning and evolving and I think the process of forgiveness is one that I am still working on. Today, I was going to write a blog about toxic family relationships but then some real family issues reared their ugly head and I backed away from the idea.

India Arie's lyrics keep playing in my head -
One shot to your heart without breaking your skin/ No one has the power to hurt you like your kin /Kept it inside, didn't tell no one else/Didn't even wanna admit it to yourself/And now your chest burns and your back aches/From 15 years of holding the pain/And now you only have yourself to blame/If you continue to live this way

All of us will have to work on forgiving at some point in our lives. It is absolutely critical for our overall health - emotional, spiritual, mental and physical that we find forgiveness in our hearts. I don't always know what forgiveness looks like - but I'm going to re-read this chapter and try and find some new understanding. :-)

Day 21: Honor Others with...FORGIVENESS

Working Definition:

The principle we are working with today is FORGIVENESS. It is release. Letting go. The process of removing errors from the mind in pursuit of harmony. The release of what is false for what is true. Giving up of a thought or emotion in order to facilitate change of the thought or emotion.

Commentary on FORGIVENESS

"How long are you going to stay mad and hurt?" I didn't know, but I knew I was not ready to not be mad yet. What she had done to me was unforgivable! Besides that, somewhere in the back of my mind I actually believed that the longer I stayed mad, the more she would suffer. After a while, what she had done was no longer the issue. The issue was her suffering. She had to suffer! And I wanted everyone to know that she was suffering because of what she had done to me! I wanted to read about her suffering in the newspaper! Then and only then would I even consider not being mad at her anymore. She must have known I was mad at her, because one day she quietly died in her sleep. I wanted to say, "Good for her!" But I was too mad. Many, many years after her death I was mad, I was miserable. I was still hurt, and she was still dead. Now, what kind of sense did that make?

Most people believe that when you forgive someone, you are doing something for them. The truth is, when you forgive, you are doing it for yourself. As it relates to forgiveness, you must give up what you do not want in order to make room for what you do want. You must give up pain, anger, resentment, and fear in order to experience goodness, joy, peace, and love. For some reason, we believe that if we forgive someone they might get to the good stuff before we do. Offering another the forgiveness they need strengthens the spiritual nature in you. It is this nature and your consciousness of this nature that reaps you the benefits of life. When you withhold forgiveness or love from anyone, for any reason, it diminishes your awareness of the abundance of good in life. You are stuck in so much old stuff, new stuff has no way of getting to you. In essence, the good that you withhold from others will be withheld from you.

As long as you hold on to the belief that anyone on earth can do anything to you, you will be unable to forgive. People cannot change who you are and what you were born to be. They can create obstacles in your path. They can do things that make you believe you are other than what you are, but people cannot change, alter, or in any way hinder the truth of your being. The truth is you are divine. The truth is that the divine source of life made you perfect and complete, and nothing anyone does can change that. The truth is we all forget that we are divine and act out of our human fears, beliefs, and perceptions. In doing so, we offend one another's sensibilities, we ignore one another's boundaries, we lash out, strike out, and in other uncompassionate ways dump our pain on one another. It does not change who we are. It makes us believe we are less than we are. This makes us mad, and in holding on to our madness, we refuse to forgive.

There is no one who does not make mistakes. Mistakes are a way of human life. We mistake what we see for the truth. We do not realize that there is always more to life than we can see and that the truth is not always visible to the naked eye. We mistake what we know for all there is. What we do not realize is, we don't always know the whole story. At any given time in your life, there are characters, plots, and story lines that have not yet been presented. When you do not know the whole story, almost any conclusion you draw will be a mistaken conclusion. We mistake our experiences, particularly bad experiences, to be indications of who we are and what we deserve. Even when we know we deserve better, we mistake our experiences for the obstacles that can keep us from experiencing more. Sometimes, we make the mistake of thinking that other people have the power to control or alter our destiny. It is our beliefs, mistaken and otherwise, that ultimately determine what we will do or be in life, not another person.

If we did not make mistakes we would not learn what works and what does not work. Each time we make a mistake we are provided with an opportunity to be corrected. The divine spirit of life is self-correcting. It will show us our mistakes in the form of the pain and suffering that we endure. It will show us our mistakes through mental unrest and emotional dissatisfaction. Unfortunately, when we encounter the results of our mistaken beliefs, choices, and perceptions, we blame other people. We hold others accountable for what we think, feel, or believe. We believe our experiences make us who we are in life, and then we blame the players in our experiences. The biggest mistake we all make is believing that other people can hurt us. When we believe they have done so, we are unwilling to forgive them.

My aunt refused to acknowledge that my uncle, her husband, had raped me. She acted as if it did not matter. Translation: I did not matter, and what he had done to me did not matter. I concluded that she didn't care about me, that he was wicked, that I was dirty, and that life in general sucked! I held onto the memory of that experience, and my translations, conclusions, and the anger for a very long time. When a counselor asked me how long was I going to stay mad, it was sixteen years, three children, one bad marriage, and several heartbreaking relationships later. "What do you want her to do?" she asked. I wanted her to acknowledge me. I wanted her to acknowledge that what he had done was wrong. "And how would that make you feel?" "Better!" I said. Since my aunt was dead, she suggested that I needed to find another way to feel better. She suggested that I try forgiving my aunt for not acknowledging me, and for making the mistake of believing that if she had acknowledged what her husband had done it would have meant the end of her marriage. I told her she was out of her mind!

When being hurt and angry and believing you are less than you are does not get you what you want, it is time to forgive. When you cannot move beyond the memories of what someone else has done to you and those memories keep you hurt, angry, or in any way limited in life, it is time to forgive. When the only thing you remember about someone is what they did to you and not the fact that they are a human being prone to make mistakes, it is time to forgive. When you believe you know the whole story of why someone did what they did and believe that if they had done anything else, you would be different, it is time to forgive. If you don't like yourself, it is time to forgive. If there is anyone, anywhere on the planet you can honestly say that you do not love, it is time to forgive. If you are overweight, underweight, out of cash, in a bad relationship, working in an unfulfilling career, have corns on your little toes, have a cold or a toothache, there is somebody, somewhere you need to forgive. Start with yourself. Forgive yourself for believing that anyone who occupies the flesh form as a human being could in any way alter the truth of your being. Once you've done that it will be easy to forgive anyone for anything, particularly if you are holding them hostage for making human errors.

Commentary Journal

After reading today's commentary, I realize

The key phrase(s) I want to remember and work with today are

Morning FORGIVENESS Affirmation

I am now ready and willing to receive the perfecting presence of Spirit in my life.

I now open my mind and heart to the divine understanding of Spirit.

I now FORGIVE myself for every thought, word, and deed I have embraced or undertaken that has kept me from the realization of the truth about myself, and the perfect unfolding of the divine plan for my life.

I am now ready and willing to receive the perfecting presence of Spirit in my life.

I now open my mind and heart to the divine understanding of Spirit.

I now FORGIVE everyone for every thought, word, and deed they have embraced or undertaken that has kept them from the realization of the truth about themselves and me, and the perfect unfolding of the divine plan for our lives.

I FORGIVE all! I release all! I am now free from all except the perfect and Divine plan and purpose for my life!

For this, I am so grateful!

And So It Is!

Let Me Remember...

God has always FORGIVEN me.

I can FORGIVE myself.

To FORGIVE is to be free.

Being angry or hurt will not get me what I want.

What I withhold from another will be withheld from me.

Evening FORGIVENESS Journal

Today, I realize I have been unwilling or unable to FORGIVE because

I realize that I would be willing to FORGIVE____________________if

I now realize the need that being unwilling to FORGIVE has